Orange Is the New Black: The best show on TV, network or no?*

OINB is the first Netflix-produced show that I barreled through, feeling like I needed to watch each next episode as soon as I finished the last. Sure, I like House of Cards, but I'm okay taking my time with it, and the less said about the return of Arrested Development probably the better, though it is getting moderately more entertaining now that I'm about five episodes in. And I haven't even tried Hemlock Grove yet. But OINB was much more compelling from episode one, and is easily the best new show on TV this season.

The two shows it makes me think about most -- not in relation to the content, necessarily -- are Sons of Anarchy and The Wire. SoA because of the deep-dive look into a subculture, in this case women's prison, that doesn't get much attention and/or is easily stereotyped. And The Wire because, while not nearly as intense and novelistic as that masterwork, OINB pays attention to its (mutltiracial) characters and lets them feed the story, allowing them to breathe and become, in nearly every case, more fully rounded. Even minor characters, like Crazy Eyes, who falls into the "oh, that psycho bitch" trope in early episodes, is given multiple reveals and scenes that let you know there's more to her story than what you're initially shown.

(I'm sure I'm also reminded of The Wire because of the presence of Pablo Schreiber-- a Seattlite even! and brother to Leiv, who knew? -- the low-rent Ben Affleck himself, one Nicky Sbotka from The Wire's (amazing) season 2.)

The other great thing is that, obviously, the majority of the roles are played by women. I can't remember -- has there ever been? -- the last time this many women had speaking parts in a show. And not only that, but the diversity of characters and opinions and ages that are given airtime. And while men are present and in positions of power, the show is much more about the culture that has been created in this closed-off prison universe than it is about these women's relationships with the opposite sex. There's no need to even turn to the Bechdel test here.

Part of the freedom that having it on Netflix offers is, again, the chance for the thing to just slow down and tell whatever story it or its characters wants to tell. Sure, the throughline is the journey of the Piper character and how going to prison upends her life and how that ripples out to affect everyone in her vicinity, but because it's set in a prison -- a place where people have somewhat ill-defined jobs and roles but not like a workplace comedy or an ER or something like that -- there's a lot of just hanging out and talking.

That said, it's a far from perfect endeavor. There's a joke -- or at least the punchline to a joke -- repeated by a number of characters that's not in the least bit funny (and not just because I'm sensitive to the use of "retarded" as part of it) that's come up a few too many times. And is it in Jason Biggs' contract that he has to masturbate onscreen? 'Cause I don't really ever need to see that again. And there are times when some of the characterization changes just for the sake of plots, especially in the last minutes of the finale. For all the attention that's obviously been paid to the ladies on the inside of the prison, both Larry and Piper's parents -- and especially Piper's mother -- are pretty horrible old/rich/Jew/WASP stereotypes. Though the one major scene given to Piper's mother evincing that stereotype is used to good effect in order to demonstrate what seems to be the theme of the show, which is that these women, these people, are us but for the grace of whatever higher power you might believe in.

And good on Netflix for greenlighting season 2 even before this aired -- they obviously knew they had something good on their hands, and viewership has apparently been through the roof. So yay. Hope season 2 comes along quickly.

Tastee's my favorite!

*if only because Game of Thrones, Parks and Rec, Parenthood, Breaking Bad and Justified aren't on the air right now. But it's in good company with those shows, no doubt.

Unintentional Badass: How "A Good Day to Die Hard" Fundamentally Misunderstands John McClane

I finally got around to watching A Good Day to Die Hard this weekend, and... ugh. I knew there was trouble afoot as soon as the thing opened -- and I know this is going to sound ridiculous -- and the aspect ratio was 16:9 as opposed to 2.35/2.40:1 like the previous movies had been (that and the ultra-cheesy opening credits titles that screamed '90s TV movie). I mean, there's just something about breaking that tradition that just didn't feel right -- you've gotta try to respect what's come before, right? -- but it was a good indication of the travesty -- TRAVESTY, I say! -- that was to come.

I write all this with full understanding that I'm talking "travesty" here in the sense where I'm offended that a giant corporation 25 or so years ago optioned the rights to and then in league with a director, actor, and huge crew, created an iconic character that I (and many, many others) grew to love (and even name our kids after) and have since then exploited that love to their own financial ends, so, you know, grain of salt and all that.

And the thing we have to start with is the one thing that should always, always work in these movies, which is the Bruce Willis. I never thought I'd say this, but I think it might be time for Bruce to be done with the McClane, at least if he's going to be as uninvolved in the development -- and I use that word loosely; I don't really need McClane to "develop," but I need him to be recognizable as John McClane in more than name only -- of the character as he was in this. I get that, you know, it's a new screenwriter, a new director, etc, but Bruce is the constant to this franchise, and he of all people should know who this McClane guy is by now. And looking back on my review of Live Free or Die Hard, for all that movie's faults -- and there were many -- at least they got McClane right.

So the definition of John McClane is that this is a guy, kind of a fuckup for the most part, who finds himself inadvertently in a boatload of trouble and rises to the occasion, all the while remaining in a state of relative disbelief that this shit is happening to him (again and again and again):

In other news, now I really want to watch Die Harder right this second.Good Day was so bad, it makes DH2 look like a piece of pop genius, when it's really the third best of the five. Really, DH5 was so bad, it makes me want to watch Live Free again and revel in how relatively not bad that one actually was.

My first thought, even as I was watching it, was that rather than study the previous movies, it was like the screenwriter and director got about halfway through the Die Hard wikipedia page, shrugged, and said, "I think I understand this. Let's make a movie!"
So how/why does DH5 go so seriously wrong? Okay, it starts with something that should never be seen: McClane at the firing range, with his partner (?) telling "not bad, grandpa" jokes to establish that John's old but he's still got it. No. Just no. John McClane does not go to the firing range. John McClane, on a good day, wakes up in a crappy little East Bronx apartment somewhere and finishes the beer that's sitting on his bedside table. On a bad day, he's walking out of a bar and squinting his way through the haze. I can totally get behind the "I'm too old for this shit" Murtaugh vibe they were trying for, but there are about 1,000 different ways to demonstrate this without having John doing target practice. And it's just downhill from there. This "McClane" has no doubt. He has no fear. He barrels his 4x4 off an overpass like he KNOWS he's going to be able to drive onto a semi and over a traffic jam of cars without even an "I sure hope I know what I'm doing" crack. All I wanted was one look of self-doubt, one "holy shit, I can't believe I'm doing this" and all would've been well with the world.

Instead, we get John McClane: Terminator and douchebag dad. Seriously, at least three times, he talks about how what McClanes do is kill bad guys, like it's no big thing. And when his sidekick kid is injured, does John show any kind of humanity? No, he just tells the dude to buck up and stop crying like some action movie cliche. At some point I would've thought Willis would've stepped in prior to filming to try to get some of this fixed -- this is the dude who famously got on the phone and asked who the second choice to play John McClane would be at some point during DH4 filming -- but I guess he was just looking for the easy paycheck and a trip to Europe with this outing. Which is sad, because Bruce still does good work -- see Looper for an example -- when he wants to. I wish he had given half of his Looper energy to this, his signature role.

I really could go on and on about the many ways this movie just goes wrong -- from the slo-mo action to the color palette chosen to the sickly sweet orchestral overlay while John and family walk off into the sunset at the end, or even the half-baked homage/rip-off of this great moment:

Not. Allowed. This is sacrosanct!

Already I've probably spent more time thinking about how to make this movie more of a Die Hard flick than the filmmakers apparently did. (And yes, I have a pitch for DH6, not that this should ever happen. I am finally ready for there to be no more Die Hards, and, like the Indiana Jones series, to tell my children -- when it comes time for them to watch these, and oh, man, I can't wait for that glorious, glorious day -- that there are only three in the series.)

Holy crap, but somebody say "NO" to Peter Jackson

Finally sat down to try to watch The Hobbit.

Twenty-five minutes into it, we're still in Bilbo's fucking house, and the dwarves have done one song-and-dance routine, complete with bouncy jigs, and have just finished singing some pirate shanty that at least was moderately plot-related.

Digging Martin Freeman, always a pleasure to see Ian McKellan in the gray robes, but these dwarves are not doing it for me, no matter how much they try to turn the leader into an Aragorn-esque heartthrob. And what's up with the one supposed dwarf dude who has no makeup on whatsoever?

That, my friend, is not a dwarf. That's one of Bodhi's crew from Point Break. Completely jarring compared to the giant proboscis (and beard) they put on this fine fellow:

Fifty-two minutes into it, it's time to turn the damn thing off after Gandalf stares into the distance reminiscing about Radagast the Brown and suddenly we cut to some dude (again, more dwarf-like than surfer boy up there, but he's apparently some kind of wizard) with bird shit on his head trying to resuscitate hedgehogs. I do not have three hours of my life to give to this movie.

This is all said as someone who's watched the extended versions of the LOTR trilogy more than once. But since the multi-ending fiasco that was (admittedly, pretty deserved and mostly worth the wait) the last 20 minutes or so of Return of the King, I've found PJ's output since pretty much unwatchable. He's blinded by his love of the source material -- and maybe the financial benefit of splitting one children's book into three giant movies (which is ironic, considering that one of the eight-minute prologue pieces in the first Hobbit flick is about the dangerous sickness that comes along with hording gold) -- and obviously no one has the cojones to tell him that he needs to cut some of this bullshit out. Nor, based on the box office for the first, and the promise that the second will actually, you know, feature a dragon, will anybody step up anytime soon.

But I think I'm done with the Jackson until he delivers something under 120 minutes in a single shot. In fact, I'll promise right now to purchase The Hobbit: Condensed Version if WB decides to release it.

Alright, alright, alright: otherwise known as Matthew McConaughey was ROBBED!

Holy shit, but the McConaughey was amazing in Magic Mike. Easily the best I've seen him since the Wooderson days.

I truly can't believe he didn't get at least nominated for an Oscar last year. Maybe it was just so... McConaughey that it appeared to be deceptively easy to play, but come on! Just for what must've been an intense workout regimen alone, the dude deserved a nod.

As for the rest of the movie, it was... fine. The dancing was pretty laugh-out-loud entertaining, though -- and I realize I'm not the target audience for this -- not in the least bit sexy. I got pretty tired of Soderbergh's decisions for shooting the thing -- all "natural" light that he basically just decided not to white balance his camera before hitting the record button. I got that the only place with "natural" skin tones was the club, but the overly sepia/just-plain-dark of all the other scenes was really distracting. I kept waiting for there to be a point to it, but it never came. Much like in Haywire, it just came off as an art-house/college film experiment gone awry.

And I never really bought the relationship between Mike and the Kid, his protege/"best friend," though that's admittedly due in part to the relative ickyness of Alex Pettyfer. That and having the character say "we should be best friends" more than once in the script doesn't mean it's fucking so. There was just never any build to that relationship, so some of the choices made by Mike later in the film just didn't hold any water.

Once upon a time (circa 2003)*, the Soderbergh was on my short list of directors who could do no wrong. but after the one-two punch of Haywire and the MM -- though at least I made it through Magic Mike -- that no longer holds... though I've still got high hopes for the yet-to-be-seen Side Effects and Behind the Candelabra.

*speaking of that list, now almost exactly a decade old, it's interesting to see what and where it's changed -- some of which is just my old age (I just don't have time to keep up with Todd Haynes and Jim Jarmush these days) and some of which is, like the Soderbergh, due to some relatively "eh" output -- Wes Anderson and Peter Jackson, I'm looking at you)

What the Rock is cookin'

Why hasn't the Rock really made it big? Don't get me wrong, the dude is BIG, at least in bicep circumference, but while he's got the dubious distinction of having been in a (three) movie(s) that have been in the top 10 for the last 15 weeks, which is quite a thing, especially during the bombastic summer season, if you take a deeper dive, are any of those actually due to him? I'm going to immediately discount Snitch, even though it's his one real starring vehicle, because... well, nobody saw Snitch.

He's gotta get some credit for GI Joe Retaliation -- the first one was so bad that the sequel had a tough row to hoe from the start, and the addition of the Dwayne as Roadblock definitely piqued interest, though I think the real draw here was the "it can't be as bad as the first one, right?" and the early release of that crazy ninjas-on-the-mountain scene, which immediately eclipsed (and erased the memory of) the entirety of the first movie:

I don't think he gets much from Pain & Gain, though -- that's a Michael Bay vehicle through and through, with a little bit of the Marky Mark thrown in. I've heard he's really good in it, but I don't think many folks were all about the Dwayne in this one.

Then there's the movie of the summer (so far at least), Furious 6. While there's no doubt that his inclusion in this franchise is a damn good thing -- and that these movies didn't get good until he joined up -- he's still nowhere near the main draw. He just walks around looking Hulk-like and being gruff, but he's not involved in most of the reasons this flick is so outstanding. He doesn't even get to drive a cool car, for crap's sake!

But back to the Hulk-like:

The dude is just HUGE. When he was first making the transition from wrestling to the big screen in The Rundown, Mr. Johnson acutally got a little bit smaller than he was when he was in the ring, going for that everyman (or at least the Hollywood version of it) thing... but he quickly moved completely away from that. Which makes sense for the movies he's making now, which are big, dumb, and completely cartoonish, so making himself into a living, breathing action figure is the right way to go. But in the long run, it's probably pretty limiting. The dude's got charisma to burn and he seems damn smart onscreen, no matter how dumb the shit around him might be, but there's no way right now he could be taken seriously in any sort of dramatic role... like Snitch, maybe? In some ways, the fact that popular cinema has such a superhero fetish right now works to his advantage, but he still has yet to really capitalize on his own. There are rumors he's gunning for Power Man, which is about the only way I can see him really headlining anything major at this point. He needs something Conan- or Terminator-like to really launch him.

But no matter what, at least Michael Bay gave me this, my current favorite picture:

The Rewatch: Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Watching GWDT last night for the first time since I saw it in the theater, I was struck by a few things. One, the thing is just goddamn beautiful. If there's a director with a better sense of composition and style working right now, please, I'd love to know. I know I'm not the first -- or most eloquent -- person to note this, of course, as that's the man's reputation. But still, there are shots in that movie that just take my breath away, and a few that I was able to rewind just to watch again this time, though I remember my audible gasp when I saw it in the theater at a single, very simple shot near the end of head and then brake lights flashing on this hill in front of trees that just makes me weak in the knees.

That said, all the style in the world means nothing if it's not in service to the story, and that, too, works for me here. Fincher's often been accused of being more interested in style than in the meat of the matter, but the way he and his team work, everything is in service to the characters and the story. Now, GWDT's story really isn't all that interesting in and of itself, but the way the pieces of the puzzle are put together here makes it work.

None of which would be possible without the great work of nearly all the actors (and thank god there was never a time when Julian Sands had to speak -- he's got a great look, but his halting delivery is like nails on a chalkboard every time I hear him), but especially Rooney Mara. I never understood the love for Noomi Rapace in the original series -- nor do I care for at all the original GWDT, which is shot and plays like a TV movie; I never bothered with the second and third. She was always too "tough" or something, too big, too normal, nowhere near the tiny, out-there punk that I pictured in my head when reading the book. But Mara, wow, she nailed it. It's easy to see why she might be underestimated, appearing very punk-pixie-ish and nearly emaciated onscreen, which makes her badassery and ultimate revenge on all the men who hate women all the more whoop-worthy when it happens.

Daniel Craig puts in some outstanding work as well. In fact, it may be my favorite non-Bond role of his (not that there are many, really), but just the fact that I was able to forget that he was the ultracapable James Bond in this movie speaks volumes. It doesn't hurt that he radiates fuckability (even while beat up and dirty)...

which is necessary (hey, he was a lady killer in the books) to his character but was one of the first of many I-don't-think-sos in the original series. I totally bought why Salander would go for him, though his persona is completely different in this. He also radiates intelligence. I love that you can see his mind clicking as he investigates the central mystery of the movie while at the same time attempting to decipher the enigma that is Salander.

*As a side note, just yesterday a preview for some POS Liam Hemsworth movie came out -- which might, might be worth seeing just to see Gary Oldman and Harrison Ford chew some scenery together for the first time since Air Force One, but the first thought I had as I was watching was that Liam just doesn't project the necessary "smarts" to pull off his role in that flick. Not to say he's not smart, just that it doesn't carry over through the screen. It's why Tom Cruise doesn't play doctors, he plays racecar drivers, you know? Even as superspy Ethan Hunt, he's less about the "intelligence" part and more about the "secret" and the kick-ass, leaving the brainwork to Simon Pegg -- or Emilio Estevez, but we saw how that worked out.

It's the smaller character roles who really sell the thing, though. The scene where Salander "checks up" on her guardian tormenter in the elevator is just fantastic -- Yorick van Wageningen just brings it in every scene he's got, whether he's being menacing and creepy or later when he's completely cowed and frightened. It's weird to say it, since his major scene is completely disturbing and intentionally disgusting, but his performance is definitely one of my favorite things about this version of the story... and especially now that I've checked out his pics online; dude cleans up well:

Joely Richardson is equally estimable, especially considering the change Fincher and his screenwriter, Steve Zaillian made at the end. This is a Fincher hallmark that he gets very little credit for: people just do career-best work in his movies, even if they sometimes decry the methodology.

The one thing that really doesn't work for me at all is the credit sequence. It's striking as all hell, but it's too straight-up music video for me. But it's a minor glitch.

The last real mention about sequels to this underperfoming flick (though still over $200 million worldwide) was in February of this year, where Mara said that she still expected them to happen and that Fincher would at least be involved, if not directing. While I'm just glad this first one exists, I'd really love to see Mara and Craig take on these characters again, though it remains to be seen if Mara will really be able to escape the Lisbeth shadow... though it's a good one to be in.

Peach... I could eat a peach for hours

And I could stare at these almost as long.

via technoir.